I usually write my journals during the night as I tend to have a clearer mind at night time, but I am writing this at 8:50 in the morning AEST. Tell you what, I am supposed to be at a hotel training for breakfast service and the shift was supposedly at 6:30 in the morning, but I had the longest anxiety attack in my life and now I am left with a massive headache and feeling drained. I have literally zero sleep, thus making me unable to function well.
ANXIETY, what is it in the first place? No. It’s not deep sadness, it’s not loneliness, it’s not homesickness. Definitely, not all people who have anxiety disorders have suicidal tendencies. Let’s not stick with the stigma and let’s try to understand anxiety in a deeper context. According to a study, “Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried. While stress and anxious feelings are a common response to a situation where we feel under pressure, they usually pass once the stressful situation has passed, or ‘stressor’ is removed. Anxiety is when these anxious feelings don’t go away – when they’re ongoing and happen without any particular reason or cause. It’s a serious condition that makes it hard to cope with daily life. Everyone feels anxious from time to time, but for someone experiencing anxiety, these feelings aren’t easily controlled.”
I cry for no obvious reasons at all. I cry on the train, on the bus, in the middle of the mall, while I’m eating, while I talk to people. I cry most especially when I start to recall what have happened in the past months. My memories are usually clear, but for some reason, they seem to be in pieces. I tend to worry about A LOT of things. I tend to overthink. Suddenly, at some point, I would feel really vulnerable and the world scares me. My brain would be cloudy, too much thoughts coming in all at once. It would start being in fast forward mode… thinking too advanced. If only there’s a switch when I could easily turn it off, I would. But sadly, the reality is that there is no switch. You just have to deal with it and it consumes you… your energy, your entire mentality, your physical will to function, and it will leave you feeling drained and exhausted.
Simple things would start to annoy me. Loud music, the sound of kitchen pots clanking, cupboard doors, doors banging, white lights, the sound of ambulance sirens, loud door knocks, people running around me… My brain is consistently in panic and at work. It is almost always chaotic. I start to think how my following day would go. I start to think how my week would pass. Then it would fast forward to months, and even years. I start to worry about my future. I start to worry about how I would survive. Then I panic all over again. Then my brain would become foggy, clouded, my heart would start beating fast like doing a tough cardio, running a race, but all in the head. Cold sweat would start coming, my hands would be as cold as ice.
After a while, I would stop functioning. I would stare blankly at no where. I would feel like a zombie, alive but not living, dead but not departed. No appetite to eat, stomach feeling all queasy.
I may seem normal to many. I smile, I laugh, I could be happy at times. I have normal feelings. I feel excitement, I feel sadness, I feel anger, and annoyance. It’s just that sometimes, intense feelings would trigger my anxiety. Too much happiness can cause me to worry. My brain would tell me not to be too happy, because there will always be a mishap at the end of the day. Sad stories could easily make me anxious. I would fear some things that are all happening just in my brain. I may seem ok on the outside, but people have no idea how exhausted I am on the inside.
NO. ANXIETY IS NOT JUST A PHASE. People might think it’s just one of those days and I’ll simply get over it. It’s very easy to say fight it and move on. The symptoms are very real and I can’t dictate when it will hit me. It’s always a struggle to fight your own thoughts, your own mind as it starts to work in full speed. The symptoms are too powerful to brave by yourself. It will make you feel confused and annoyed and stressed, all at once.
It’s only through prayers that I get my strength. Reading Bible verses helps me get through it. I pray each time it hits me. I pray for rescue. I pray for strength. I pray for company. I pray that the people around me would understand me now more than ever.
How it started, I don’t know. But maybe my previous post about what I’ve been through can add to the detail. Each morning, I would get up and pray, and I would always assess myself. “Hi self, are we all good today?” It may sound crazy, but sometimes as I tell myself that we have to be OK today, my own thoughts would collapse little by little. Then it would start falling apart all over again like a cycle.
Through all these, I am still thankful for my better days. Realizing that you won’t be able to appreciate the good days if you haven’t gone through the bad ones. I am getting help and I am trying to help myself. I will be a WARRIOR someday, not a worrier. Looking forward to those days when I get better. 🙂
“Do not be afraid for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10