It’s the first of October!!! Nine months of 2019 flew by right in front of my eyes in just a quick snap of a finger. It has been a while since my last blog post and I want to be brutally honest. For quite some time, my mind has been empty. It’s like living life on auto-pilot, except somehow it slows down on certain moments. So, I was scanning my website which has been left a bit empty for a couple of months and I came across a blog post which I posted on this same date last year. Time check, 2:29 AM… and just like that exact moment last year… I STILL CAN’T SLEEP. The only difference is, this time, I am under a 300 mg dosage of Quetiapine (for better management of my disorder), yet I am wide awake but feeling a bit drugged. My train of thoughts is still in full-speed nonetheless. One year has gone by just like that and it really got me thinking deep.
September 30, 2018, I was sitting on my bed in my apartment in Bondi Beach in Australia, celebrating spring break, without any idea of what’s about to happen in the next months. As I have read on my journal a year ago, I was hoping I was sipping on a glass of cold champagne while reading my previous posts… but apparently I am not. Just like last year, I am still sitting on my bed, except I’m no longer in my Bondi Beach Apartment, but I am in the comforts of my own home in Manila. I remember those times when I had to wake up at 3:00 in the morning to be able to make it to my 4:00 AM shift at The Cook and Baker in Sydney. Anyone who really is close to me would say that I AM DEFINITELY NOT A MORNING PERSON. But I got to do my job and make ends meet so I never failed telling myself, “Girl, you better wake up and ace those muffins or kiss your Bondi room goodbye.” That has been my motivation, being able to sustain my lifestyle and living the dream of residing near the beach. I loved being independent in Sydney. I loved my work. I learned to build a relationship with my super toxic schedules, and I loved that I was really busy with life. But of course, it’s not always how you want life to happen. It just doesn’t work that way. Life has it’s own way of muddling things up.
To many of you who has been reading my blogs, you know that I am the type of person who just doesn’t settle. I was born to explore, and I always try to push myself outside my comfort zone. But this pushing and pulling back and pushing once again eventually taught me that sometimes, it is OK to find yourself in the middle of your security circle. It’s OK to put that security blanket on and re-evaluate. I used to tell my readers that life begins at the end of your comfort zone, (yes… it does… but it has a threshold) because I used to live like that. I always thought I was limitless, hence my toxic standard of living. Being an expat in Sydney undeniably gave me so much opportunity to grow while I was living by the edge. I learned how to weigh up my circumstances. I learned to ask myself modest questions which I never do before.
One year have passed. September 30, 2018… I was writing a blog post in my bedroom in Sydney and the same exact date this 2019, I am still writing another blog post in my bedroom in Manila. It doesn’t matter where I am, essentially I am still doing what I love. In a span of 12 months, things have changed – where I am, people I am with, my routine, my daily grind… but then again I still find myself writing. I may not be celebrating spring break now, but there are a lot of things worth enjoying.
If there’s anything that I have learned throughout the entire process it is to NEVER LOSE YOUR CORE. You are who you are. Despite the battles, the beatings, and no matter how life puts you to the test, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME PERSON, BUT STRONGER AND WISER. People might give up on you along the way, but the most important part is that YOU DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. When things go downhill and it just doesn’t feel right, you only have yourself to trust. I, for one, have managed to learn this the hard way. For several times, I almost gave up on myself. But, I am grateful that there are people around me who remind me of my purpose. You have to pull yourself together. It doesn’t matter if it takes a long time. As an adult, you might find life stagnant and sluggish every so often, I know it’s frustrating but keep going. There is no set time table of how we all live our lives (we always hear this multiple times). But this instance, I have something to add. Take your time… IN OR OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Take baby steps for as long as you want. It doesn’t matter whether you’re living by the limits or just at ease, because in reality, life has no perfect setting. We all end up where we are supposed to be, no matter how long it takes and how we envision it to be.
A year from now, who knows? I might be writing again inside my bedroom somewhere else across the globe. 🙂