“How is your mental health?” That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for the past few months, because I know that no one else would ask me this aside from myself and my psychiatrist. It has been a long while since I’ve written my train of thoughts on this blog. To my readers who have been reading and following this blog since day one, we all know that I tend to unload when it starts becoming a little too overwhelming. As always, I would like to express my gratitude for your love and support for Wanderbites by Bobbie since that day I have started this website.

This is not the first time I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Sometimes, I wake up and do a quick raincheck. “How are we today?” Though some days are still difficult, I have mastered the art of getting up no matter what and get things done in a day. I have to be productive, and though I know that I’m not like most normal people, I have promised to identify myself as a high-functioning individual despite my mental health disorder. Today however was particularly extra. I was nitpicking on every little thing, and I told myself that I shouldn’t be outside when my brain is a total haywire like this. But, I still went out to get props for an ongoing shoot and completely ignored how I was feeling, and I’m not surprised that every little hassle was a natural trigger. I was already irritated with myself with how I was behaving, but I couldn’t control it. It was a bad mood swing. I almost forgot what I have. Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder after all. To me, it means I come across moods at a more extreme level than an average person. But this doesn’t mean that I have terrible mood swings a few minutes and I’d be able to bounce back the next hour. It doesn’t work like that. It takes me days, sometimes weeks before I recover from a trigger. My mood swings are not sudden. Sometimes I’m depressive, sometimes I’m manic. Being Bipolar is literally like a seesaw. I have to learn how to balance between my two extreme emotions.

It took me several years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to train my mind not to react to everything. Three years into remission, I managed to keep myself balanced. I’m usually just in the middle. Not depressed, not manic. A year without therapy was liberating, as I thought I have it all figured out. I know how to ground myself during episodes and at times, I still lash out but still manage to keep it cool. I have learned how to keep calm no matter how triggering the situation could be.

I have been stable so far, so I decided to taper off from the maintenance medicines (with the guidance of my psychiatrist of course). It’s not as easy as you think. You don’t just take medicines for mental health disorders for three straight years and suddenly stop. That would cause a terrible withdrawal syndrome, and we don’t want that. The safest way is to lower down the dosage gradually and completely  diminish the intake in a certain period of time. I have accepted to live with Bipolar Disorder for a long time now, and I know an episode when it occurs. However, this time, with the tapering off and adjustments, I feel like I’m back at square one.

Bipolar Disorder and Work-Life Balance

I am a professional Food Stylist and Product Photographer. My days consist of creating business visuals for my clients. I have to elevate their products in the most creative way possible. When I’m down like today, my creative juices don’t work. It’s like my brain is a blank space. It stops producing ideas. It is honestly draining. Even so, my clients rely heavily on the visuals that I make, so I see to it that no matter how I feel, I still have to get-up, show-up, and get the job done. My feelings won’t pay my bills. I just have to keep going no matter what. I cannot just act up and not meet deadlines. I still have to keep everything professional if I want to pursue this career.

Don’t worry. It’s not always like this. Some days, it’s the other way around. There are nights that I couldn’t sleep because my brain is bombarded with so many things and ideas. Random stuff just keep coming and sometimes I can’t keep up with my own thoughts. I have accepted this fact since the day I was clinically diagnosed. I will never have that perfect balance, well not without my medications at least. Quetiapine has been my best friend.

For the past years, I learned how to “breathe” when I had to. Travel has been my therapy. Seeing new things and immersing myself in new surroundings allowed me to heal and recover. But, being a part of the middle class, travel isn’t always affordable. It involves a lot of spending, and though I am willing to spend greatly on my mental health, sometimes I just feel like everything has been more expensive than usual, including my idea of “breathing”.

Bipolar Disorder and Relationships

I am lucky to have a solid support system. I have people who understand me all the way. But before I have arrived at this milestone, I suffered with self-doubt consistently. I tried to end the suffering several times. I had General Anxiety Disorder, which my psychiatrist started to treat first. I was able to bounce back from it and I am proud that I don’t question my existence anymore. Though I still ask myself if I’m actually worthy of love, attention, and care, I don’t dwell on it anymore as much as I did before.

When I’m Manic and I’m out with people, there are times that it’s hard to keep up with my energy. One day, I’m all out and the next days, I’d be staying in the room the whole day not wanting to be bothered. This is the tough reality everyone had to understand and adjust to.

I am irritable and easily triggered one day. I can be a ball of overflowing energy the next day. I cycle rapidly from depression to hypomania. I can be confusing, and at times weird, I myself couldn’t help it. Having me requires a lot of patience and understanding from the people around me.

What Do I Do To Live Well Despite Having Bipolar Disorder

Living life like a normal person is an interesting concept for someone with Bipolar. I invest on things and experiences that boost my mental health. I remove myself from things that would be toxic for my being. I must admit, I cannot completely stay away from stressors with the nature of my job and with the inherent occurrences that I have no control of. I allow myself to feel stress and pressure, however I also reward myself after I overcome it.

Feeling like you’re suffering from a mental health disorder (depression, anxiety, and the likes)? Here’s my advice.

You did not come across this blog by accident. It came to you because you need it most. The heavens are guiding you, so aside from consistent prayers, here’s my advice for you (from someone who deals with a mental health disorder on a daily basis). Like I always tell my readers, if you haven’t consulted with a professional, please do yourself a favor and do it. I wouldn’t be here, writing you this advice if I have not sought medical intervention. It was tormenting I know, and having dark days was not easy. Your feelings are valid. I have felt that way too. Today may be overwhelming, but always remember that better days are coming. Even if you don’t see it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will not tell you to take it easy, because I know it’s easier said than done. Pretending that it does not exist won’t make it go away. As a matter of fact, it makes it more difficult to control. Always remember, you are more than your diagnosis. Allow yourself to experience everything, whether it be sadness, mourning, excessive energy, too much happiness, loneliness. You have to experience the bad things for you to appreciate the good. Every bit of it is a part of your healing process. If you lack motivation to push yourself, let this blog be a reminder that you can overcome everything… no matter how challenging. You’re worthy of life, so live it fully. I need to tell myself this things too, every once in a while. 🙂